Just A Stupid Mistake
by Alana Haseen
Summary: Duo deals with his soon-to-be death.
1. Default Chapter

Just A Stupid Mistake  
By: Alana Haseen  
  
Summary: Duo, mentally and physically tired, faces death and realizes what he has to lose in life and what he will miss when his time comes.  
  
Rating: PG-13, I stay on the side of caution. Mild swearing, depression, blood, stuff.  
  
Disclaimer: Ok so we all should know that I don't own ANY of the characters in this story, except the characters that don't really matter but I don't own them either because they are based on real people. Anyway, I DO own the story and the plot of the story and...wait there really is no plot...Well I own the story. If you read this, yay you, personally this was a piece of writing I didn't like reading for its own reasons but I wrote it and am posting it so lets pretend that we do like reading it and I am done repeating what I just said. Uh, so a lot of this is actually non-fictional and those of you who know me (few of ya right? ::grins::) should be able ta tell what parts are real and what I just kinda made up because I had to fit it in around Duo's life. And this is long. And I'm done. Review if ya want. If not just take comfort in knowing that I don't know where you live and even if I did I am too lazy to do anything about it.

Chapter One- Nightly Fears

I remember someone once asking me, actually I think it was Heero, what I would do or how I would act if I knew I was going to die. When I gave my answer I don't think the situation ever really sat in my brain. I don't think I ever put myself in that situation, and now look at me. Sitting in bed holding close the few treasures that have been given to me over the years, tokens and presents from the other pilots.  
  
It's scary.

Never really thought I'd ever say something was scary considering the relative cool I kept when I was forced onto the streets and stuff but this...I am not even able to describe the fear dread, or stupidity. That's all it was too, my own stupidity, I never claimed to be smart but then I never claimed much anyway.  
  
So I'm just supposed to wait for death. For gods sake, I just get to wait and it sucks. Going to bed every night with the fear of never waking up again, moreso then anyone my age should feel. The symptoms are kinda not bad so I am giving myself AT LEAST another week and then we shall see, won't we?  
  
Personally I am kinda conflicted right now, do I tell them and have people to wait with me or do I keep it to myself? I think that I am going to wait for the blood to become more visible, maybe what I saw today was just my mind playin' with me. Fuckin' mind. Maybe I should warn them, tell them of what is going on, but then they will just think me dramatic and won't believe me until I am actually dead. It's all just there, and I hate it.  
  
Why now? That's really what I wanna know. Things have gotten really better, I've got a pending relationship that feels SO right and SO good. The other pilots and I are not exactly at each others throats ALL the time, so why now? I mean is the world trying to tell me that I'm never going to be better again? Believe me, I get that.  
  
It is rather late and I am really tired. Let's hope that I will be able to sleep tonight.  
  
Duo Maxwell

Duo threw down his notebook and his pen on top of it. Looking at the clock he knew that it was bound to be a long night. "9 o'clock, shit monkeys." he said pulling close the cat stuffed animal Trowa had given him for his last birthday. Curling himself around the furry object he hoped would take away his pain while secretly knowing that his hopes were far from reality. He closed his eyes and tried to dream happier things,

He failed miserably:  
  
Begin dream

"Guys...I uh, really need to talk to ya," Duo's voice was quiet and unreadable but his eyes spoke stronger then ever. The four other pilots, who were now seated at the lunch table, looked up at him. He was fidgeting with the end of his braid and looking at the floor.  
  
"What is it Duo?" Quatre asked, seeing Duo play with the ends of his hair meant that something was bothering the boy.  
  
"I ju-just...just wanna ge-get...get this o-out before so-something happens," Duo's sentence was stuttery and almost incoherent.  
  
"Ok then, we're waiting." Trowa already knew what Duo was going to speak about but didn't know what the braided boy was going to say about it. There was NOTHING to say about it.  
  
"I'm...I'm a little sick," Duo forced his eyes from the he tile to the eyes of the other pilots.  
  
"So...?" Trowa asked wanting Duo to finish with what he was saying without sugar-coating it.  
  
"I just...felt that everyone should know because I don't want anyone to be left in the dark. It's looking pretty bad right now, seeing as some of the symptoms are not letting up." Duo finished his statement with a long hard cough. When he removed his hand from its place over his mouth blood was there, on the palm of his hand.  
  
His eyes widened in fear and then...

End dream  
  
Duo bolted up from his bed, head pounding and heart racing. It took half of a minute for his eyes to adjust and when they did he found that it was 12:32.

"Well I slept longer then I thought I would have." He smirked to himself and flipped over, trying to fall asleep again. His head was killing him but he was too afraid to take anything for it.  
  
Rolling over again he started thinking about whether or not he was actually going to tell the other pilots about it. Afterall, Trowa already knew so if something DID happen Tro could make sure that the others knew what happened but...then that would seem so impersonal, almost cruel. He just couldn't decide what he was going to do about things.  
  
Finally he gave up tossing and turning and gave in to his sleep, gave in to that need for rest that was bothering him since the night before. Letting go and falling into the darkness of sleep, wishing to wake up the next morning.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------  
  
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Duo's alarm clock rang and cursing to it he got up and set it for an extra 45 minutes. He wanted to sleep damnit. It was 4:50 and he just wanted to sleep, except his stomague was not letting him. It hurt like hell.  
  
Rising from his bed he puled out a shirt, a pair of pants and socks, his outfit for the day. Taking his clothing into the bathroom with him and throwing his cloths on the side of the dirty ass bathtub he went to the bathroom. He was overwhelmingly relieved to not see blood but confused about what he saw the day before.  
  
Splashing water on his face he continued with his daily morning routine of eating, household chores and running out the door with a mug of coffee to keep him awake. He was still thinking about what might happen to him and whether or not he was going to mention any of it to the others, afterall he wasn't seeing any blood today.  
  
On the bus his music blared the lyrics of one of his favorite songs Breakdown by Tantric. It was a good song that spoke to Duo every time he listened to it. The lyrics meshed wonderfully with the tunes of the music. The bus driver looked up from the road and into the mirror at Duo, wanting to talk but knowing that when Duo had his headphones on he was literally unreachable to the world.  
  
Duo's eyes were down, reading a piece of his own writing as he was taking the long journey to work. He felt the eyes of the bus driver on him and he knew that the guy wanted to talk, but he was too busy reading his writing. Looking up from the notepad in front of him he could see the preventers complex coming up ahead of him, he was almost at work and he was dreading it. He was dreading seeing the other pilots, ok he wasn't just dreading seeing the other pilots but he was dreading seeing ANYONE because he knew he would have an urge to go up and just give any person a giant hug. He wanted a hug too, a really big hug from anyone who would give it.  
  
The bus came to a screeching halt by the entrance gate of the complex and Duo stood up. Pulling off his headphones he walked down the he isle of the bus, said goodbye to the bus driver and walked off into the sunlight. Taking one look at the buildings ahead of him he considered running but knew that running from this wasn't going to get him anywhere but to his grave. Yeah he bet good money he'd be able to get far and stay hidden if they tried to look for him but mentally he was unsure of himself.  
  
He took a deep breath and walked in.


	2. Just A Stupid Mistake 2

Summary: Duo, mentally and physically tired, faces death and realizes what he has to lose in life and what he will miss when his time comes. 

Rating: PG-13, I stay on the side of caution. Mild swearing, depression, blood, stuff. 

Disclaimer: Chapter Two! The title kinda makes no sense but hey we are not trying to make sense here are we? Um so you kinda find out more about Duo's situation and stuff and....Yeah I don't own anything but the story itself and have fun reading ok? Good. Done now.

Chapter Two- Trouble At Work

"Duo! Hey Duo, wait up!" Hilde called to Duo from her junkyard office.  
  
"Yeah Hild?" Duo asked preparing to put on a fake smile for her but then remembering her birthday he tried a real one. They both walked in silence for a while and then Duo finally spoke.  
  
"Ya wanted something Hild?" He asked when they got to the door of his office at the other end of the junkyard. Hilde and Duo shared the junkyard in the preventers complex of buildings. The first building of the multiple building complex was the PWP building (Preventers World Protection) which of course was headed by stick-up-ass Heero himself. The PWE (Preventers World Economy) building was headed of course by the blonde himself while the PWS (Preventers World Sciences) building had been taken over by Wufei. Trowa the old encyclopedia of useless knowledge was one of the main doctors in the PWM (Preventers World Medicine) building. Duo as you might have been able to tell headed the PWT (Preventers World Technology) building but he shared the responsibility with Hilde after the original junkyard she had was destroyed.  
  
"Well...I just got in a shipment of computer components, most of them are kinda unsorted. wanted to know if we should bother sorting them or just throw them with the rest of the computer stuff considering how messy things are anyway." She looked around and shook her head, the technology building today was a hell-hole and today was a day that it was looking rather clean. She had tried to clean it a few times but found that it was pointless as Duo was such a messy person.  
  
"Naw, Why bother?" Duo grinned looking around at the place himself. Walking into his office and going straight to his desk he opened the top drawer and pulled out a small book and card to go with it. He handed it to Hilde and smirked at the confused look on her face.  
  
"What is this for?" She asked him following his moving figure with her eyes.  
  
"Birthday present, you think I forgot?" Duo's back was to Hilde as he finished opening up the building.  
  
"Oh! Thank you Duo!" She smiled at him and watched him immediately slid under the motorcycle he was building. He grunted and started tinkering around, so far no one was suspicious of his actions, this to Duo was really good.  
  
It was about lunch time when Duo felt obligated to inform at least Heero, he had planned on letting ALL of the pilots know during the afternoon but found he was unable to due to lack of transportation home. Pulling Heero into a room that was relatively closed off, it took him a minute to figure out what exactly he was going to say to the perfect soldier.  
  
"Duo what's wrong?" Heero asked, obviously confused as to why typical conversations were not being held.  
  
"Hee...I'm kinda sick" Duo responded rather silently while staring at his feet. He did not want to see the reaction that Heero was bound to give.  
  
"With what?" Heero looked stunned by the braided boys answer to his original question and wanted desperately to know the answer to this recent one.  
  
"...uh...just a bit of internal bleeding..." Duo could scarcely be heard by his own hearing that he even wondered if Heero heard him. Heero tried to understand and even reason with Duo about what the boy should do but no sooner had the spandex clad boy started to talk Relena entered the room and started a conversation with Heero. Duo took the opportunity to leave and did so knowing well enough that Heero wanted to talk about it but he himself wanting to confront it later.  
  
The day passed by rather quickly and it was such a day that Duo felt he might actually be getting better, that is until Trowa and Heero together pulled him aside and told him to get help himself or they would get it for him. He wanted so badly for them to understand his view on things, he wanted to fix himself on his own, without anyones help this time. They needed to trust in his abilities that he knew were hidden under all of that rubble.  
  
It was about 1:15 or so, Duo never kept track of time when he was having a good day, when Hilde walked up to his desk and told him that the medical building wanted to speak with him and he needed to get there right away. His heart was racing and he had suddenly felt the urge to call up Solo and ask for a ride out of there, only to remember Solo was now just a memory. He wanted to run and was even more sure then when he had been on the bus that he could hide but again he felt that he was chained to this place, chained to the people that live and worked here.  
  
Walking slowly he still managed to get there in record time. When he did get there he found Sally Po waiting for him, god at that point he was so ready to run.  
  
"Duo, we need to talk," Sally began, "Now follow me as we go talk in Miss Nonnac's room."  
  
Duo's shoulders slumped as he followed Sally obediently into the rather small room that was Miss Nonnac's office. During the war a lot of the former soldiers, including the pilots themselves had started to feel extremely overwhelmed with emotions that they had trained themselves to hide. When the Preventers formed they felt that it was a good idea to assign each person their own shrink, in street terms, just so that that person wouldn't feel so lost. Duo had rarely seen or even talked with Miss Nonnac mostly because he was too cautious around people and didn't believe in talking to "shrinks".  
  
"Now Duo, we've heard from two other people that you overdosed on pills. Do you wanna tell us about it?" Sally looked at him disappointedly.  
  
The braided boy sat in a chair and curled up into a ball, just wanting everything to go away and leave him alone. He knew his emotions were so close to breaking his barrier that he couldn't deal with any more stress from this. People were always bothering him about what he did wrong or what he didn't do or anything that would be considered bad about him and frankly he was sick of it. He was tired of having to smile everyday and then hear what others had been saying about him and pretend that it was nothing. It bothered him every time someone told him to shut up or to be quiet, he never used to be loud so why was he loud now?  
  
Sally saw the boy fidget and then enter into his own world, he just sat there still and completely silent staring at the floor. He looked to be in deep thought, like his actions or her words caused him to contemplate something. She and Miss Nonnac were waiting and the silence was unbearable.  
  
"Duo! Talk now." 


	3. Just A Stupid Mistake 3

Summary: Duo, mentally and physically tired, faces death and realizes what he has to lose in life and what he will miss when his time comes.

Rating: PG-13, I stay on the side of caution. Mild swearing, depression, blood, stuff. 

Disclaimer: Again the title has no point to the chapter but this is an odd one. You learn about what was said between Sally and Duo and yeah. There is also a lot of Duo thinking about things here so have fun reading.

Chapter Three- Homeward Bound

Once again Duo found himself in his bed, same time as he usually would have gotten out of work, curled around Scythe-the cat Trowa had given him. He never understood why he was so attached to it, but he did know that every night he would lie in bed and just hold it...Thinking. He laughed at himself, thinking was something he had been doing a lot of lately. Thinking about people, betrayal, just about anything that connected itself with what had gone on earlier in the day.  
  
Talking more to himself then anything, or anyone, he had asked himself multiple questions while lying alone in bed. Why did Trowa and Heero betray him? Had he done something wrong to them? He was loyal, he trusted them even when he was afraid for them or scared about them...So what did he do wrong?  
  
"WHAT DID I DO TO YOU!?!" losing control he forced himself off of the bed and in front of their pictures. Crying he continued talking to himself, thinking that they were there to hear him knowing that they were all probably just getting home from work. "Was...was I disloyal? Why did you have to...? Couldn't you have trusted me, I said I'd be fine."  
  
Curling into a ball and reaching under his bed he found the one thing that didn't need to tempt him at such a time...His blades. Each one their own special value, one given to him by Solo, another few by some other friends and his dads...His dads was his favorite, something that took him back quite a few years. Staring icily at the shine each one gave off in the little sunlight that pushed through the blinds covering the one window in his room. Those blades were calling to him, calling to his need to inflict pain on himself, his need to repent for sins of others as well as himself. Hands shaking he popped the cap off of the exacto Solo lent him, his eyes were no longer focused and actions were not of his control. Pulling off the numerous hair bands that covered the deep scar on his wrist he stared, unsure of what he was doing or how he was going to do it. He placed the knife on the scar and prepared himself for a quick and deep cut, like he had done originally.  
  
"Good god," Duo whispered to himself shaking his head and throwing the blade aside, "What the hell am I doing? I promised I'd be better and look at me. Look at what this is doing to me, god if only they knew what this is doing to me. Solo I promised you and you promised me...but you betrayed your promise and I am still keeping mine...SCREW YOU SOLO!"  
  
Crawling hurridly over to the discarded weapon he held it up, stared at it and started crying. "...screw you Solo...you fucking did this to me, look at what you did damnit! I was good, I was fine until you! I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I was good! YOU FUCKING KILLED MY INNOCENCE AND THEN RAN AWAY! YOU GOT ME CAUGHT! YOU GOT THEM TO BETRAY ME! FUCK YOU SOLO!"  
  
He slowly dragged himself into the bathroom, closed the door and started the cold water in the sink. Spacing out for a minute he regained control and splashed ice cold water on his face getting rid of any evidence of tears that would have resided there. He knew that he had just had another emotional moment but didn't care like he should have...like he would have if he wanted to be strong for someone. Going back to his bed he pulled the covers over himself and grabbed his notebook, another wonderful passage to add to his thoughts.

Ya did it... Why did ya do that to me? Was I bad? Did I do something? I can never tell, people are always telling me that it was my fault that...It was something I did wasn't it? I wanted you to know because I felt obligated to inform you of what was going on instead of leaving you in the dark...Did you want me to leave you alone in the dark? I'll remember for next time...  
  
Where do I run when I am now alone? When no one...when you're not there to run to, to stop me when I go too far. Who do I go to when I want to stop running? 'Cuz' I'm gettin' kinda tired of running.  
  
I shouldn't be crying, I should be strong but...I can't. It hurt me, hurt me more then anything has ever hurt before...With very few exceptions. Where do you expect me to go when I am trapped in a corner? I don't want to share things, I'm not good at staying sane when I do, so why cant you just trust that?  
  
Did I betray you? Is that the problem, my betraying you....Or my being myself? I didn't do that to you when you were hurt, or when I was really worried about ya. I trusted you to make it through because I know that you can take care of yourselves and each other...Do ya not think I can take care of myself? I know I can....  
  
As of now I can't even tell ya how I feel.

Betrayed, yeah.

Hurt, course.

But I know that there is more to it then that I just cant figure out what it is. My logic has never been clear to anyone, not even myself but I asked you to drop it and ya didn't, ya couldn't. I asked you, one of the few times I've ever asked a favor of you and you couldn't do it for me.  
  
God I can't even think...I don't even want to try. I...I just want to sleep.

Duo Maxwell

Duo was crying, he just couldn't stop himself from letting it all out. After so many years stopping himself from crying, so many times where he just didn't let the tears come out, he had to let himself go. The notebook took its regular place on the floor by Duo's bed and the pen was of course on top of the book. Pulling the covers over his head and turning the fan on he tried to sleep. He figured he mideswell go to bed at four because he was probably gunna wake up early anyway. So he fell asleep with Sallys voice in his head telling him what the consequences would be, not the treatment but the consequences.  
  
Begin Dream

"Duo, I am really sorry to have to be the one to tell this to you but we were forced to inform Une about what went on with you last Saturday. She...ordered us to be the ones to tell you what she wants done about it. First of all you are not to make contact with people, no online, limited phone, and NO trying to find loopholes around any of it. Secondly she wants to send you to a phsychiatrist, Dr.Nikrat. She has heard about you and you already have an appointment. Thirdly you are not allowed missions, AT all." Sally prepared herself for Duo's explosion but was surprised to find he just sat there with his head down. His eyes seemed almost cold...emotionless, like Trowas had before he lightened up after the war ended.  
  
Duo stood up. "Thanx Sal...I'm gunna go home now. I am kinda tired."  
  
"Duo, we're not done here," Sally pulled Duo back into his seat. "Miss Nonnac is here for you, all of us are. We are just worried. The two people who came to us were just worried for you."  
  
"Sal, does that excuse them for betraying my trust?"  
  
"Mr.Maxwell after what happened in the beginning of the year can you blame them for being worried? We've met before about something like this haven't we?" Miss Nonnac spoke to Duo trying to get him to see.  
  
"What went on at the beginning of the year?" Sally looked shocked, she hadn't heard about the beginning of the year.  
  
"Mr.Maxwell, why don't you explain it. You're better at telling your own life story then I am." Miss Nonnac smiled. Duo looked at that smile with a glare, she was enjoying putting him through hell and he knew it.  
  
"I just got myself into a bit of trouble. Nothin big." He shrugged not wanting to go into THAT story again. To him the past was the past, no one round there could let anything go. He had, and look he was still alive to tell about it.  
  
"Some other people had come to me concerned about his safety and we talked with him about it. Isn't that right Mr.Maxwell?" She asked knowing the answer but trying to get him to open up about it. Duo grinned at his inside thoughts, if she hadn't then she would never have even brought it up in the first place.  
  
"Well Mr.Maxwell, as you can tell people really care about you. So tell me whats been going on" Miss Nonnac was trying to stir things up and she managed to do a pretty good job of it. Sally looked at Duo and saw for the first time tears, Duo was going to cry. She called the meeting off and thanked Miss Nonnac, while pushing Duo out of the room.  
  
"Duo, you ok?" She asked thoroughly concerned with the look on the boys face while he was being badgered by both her and the shrink.  
  
"No Sal, I'm not." He left his answer simple but even from those few words you knew that he was straining the steadyness of his voice.  
  
"Do you want me to come with you to get your stuff?" Duo was to leave work early and not come back the next day. They wanted to give him time to reflect on what had gone on, at least thats what Une ordered.  
  
"Naw, I'll be fine." His back was to Sally and without so much as a glance or any other words he left her, going down the halls and out of the building. Out of everything he once knew of as life.

End Dream


	4. Just A Stupid Mistake 4

Summary: Duo, mentally and physically tired, faces death and realizes what he has to lose in life and what he will miss when his time comes.

Rating: PG-13, I stay on the side of caution. Mild swearing, depression, blood, stuff. 

Disclaimer: You meet someone new in this chapter. I don't own anyone but I own the story, incase you havent figured that out by the last few chapters. Uh, I think this was one of the chapters I liked so have fun.

Chapter Four- Friends Among Enemies

Days went by quickly as Duo was stuck at home doing nothing but staring at the blank computer screen on his desk. He didn't want to be stuck at home, he wanted action...He wanted his normal life back. It was just last summer he had screwed it up but, he still wanted it back. Taking Scythe into his arms again he laied down in bed, this time he didnt want to think he wanted to just let everything wash over him. After what happened happened he could not face Trowa or Heero, hell he was finding it hard to face Wufei and Fei-Fei had no clue what had gone on. Now why couldn't he face Wufei? It was simple. Heero and Trowa had betrayed him and he had TRUSTED them, he now became so damn aware of people and found himself going the other way.  
  
Yeah it was kinda unfair logic to Fei but he didn't think the Chinese pilot minded, he was afterall still talking to Trowa and Heero. Trowa and Heero didn't seem to have a problem with not talking to Duo, hell they seemed happier then when he was around. The thoughts of finally just slitting or running had entered Duo's head so many times he felt that sooner or later he would actually do it, again. His blades were so tempting, so beautiful, so sharp, that keeping his thoughts off of them seemed an impossible task. The cold stainless steel woke him at night, he could see himself ending it or feel himself placing the blade on his skin.  
  
Drinking also found its way into his mind, the alcohol used to keep his mind away from the problem. He loved the feeling of a lot of nice alcoholic drinks causing him to stumble in and out of places with people looking at him like he was usually walking. Smoking, he could smell it or taste it whenever he did anything. All of his habits and bad activities that he tried to lose for the other pilots came back to haunt him. He wanted it all so badly that he literally felt obligated to lock himself in his appartment so that he would not get back into them.  
  
During the week of hell he spent much of his time in "memory lane." He'd find himself staring at pictures of himself and the other pilots while laughing that none of them had even smiled in quite a few of them. He'd revisit old places in his mind, places where he used to binge drink with the best of them, or places where his friends now rested-gravesites. He took time to remember every detail of when he was younger, even the moments that caused him a great amount of pain to remember. His past was his past, as he would always love to say, there was nothing he could do about it but leave it alone.  
  
One of his fondest memories just happened to be when he let his emotions go the first time. He was with Solo and a few other people at the time and they knew how to handle it, almost like they knew how to handle him as a person. They were able to fix what he had done to himself and did it without even thinking about it. He never got to repay them for all that they had done, they died just this past spring after they had moved away thinking the ghosts of two others would leave them alone. Duo love them all just as much as he hated them, they were a part of him whether or not he wanted them to be or not they were who he became. He was allowed to be anyone with them and that feeling was something he never wnated to let go, but he had to.  
  
So what he did was become good friends with the pilots, shakng his head his thoughts continued to take him back to the past, and htings were great with them. They brought out a side of him that no one ever thought existed, they were people he felt that he could tell anything. Yeah they were known to have speed bumps and stuff but in all honesty who doesnt have speed bumps every now and then? The fact of the matter is Duo loved them, all of them. Not for being fellow soldiers in a neverending war but for being people that he could run to.  
  
"Nothing I can do will bring the past back, I can't just go back to the way I was just like things can't go back to the way they were. I need to stop living on hopes and dreams, gotta face the facts." He stared out the window as the tears started welling up. Yeah he was feeling sorry for himself but in this case he found the circumstances hard to grip alone. "I have ta stop pretending stuff, pretending I can trust people or pretending that I am normal. Hell, even in a band of misfits I am still the odd man out. Just special that way...Solo, I could really use your guidance about now. What am I gunna do? Who am I gunna be? Ya used ta tell me ta be me and I used ta know who that was. With you it was the street kid, alcohol, sex, and other things and with them it was smiles and games. What happens to anyone when they completely lose who they are?"  
  
The sun was setting and colors illuminated the room as Duo took to his bed. Taking out the paper covered blades again he looked at them in facination. Cutting was a habit that took him away from the hell of life, cutting was what became his life force during the hardest times and he was forcing himself to avoid that at the WORST of times he had ever been in. There were times when he wished he were still in the war, it gave him an excuse to murder or destroy things.  
  
The week went by rather quickly and soon Duo found himself at the one full week point since he had taken those pills. Still unsure of how many he took he played everyday like what happened didn't. It was Saturday that he found the blood was not gone, he found what he thought he saw was really there. Not believing it he felt that it was just a fluke and ignored it but he knew in the back of his head he needed to get help and fast. Willingly he had lied to Sally telling her that he only had four pills while knowing full and well that there were FAR more then four pills in his system. He was just lost.  
  
The thing that hurt him the most was not the realization of what was to come but the fact that the other pilots seemed to be able to forget him so quickly, but then everyone he knew had been able to do that so he wasn't really surprised that he had gone the whole week only talking once to one of them.  
  
"Maybe I should just...I dunno go back to who I was with Solo. People left me alone and then I couldn't get hurt by anyone. I swore that they wouldn't have hurt me like this but....Guess I'm just a bad judge of character. Heh heh heh" He laughed nervously at himself. "Wow, I am just some poor sap wallowing in self pity. I don't have too long ta have fun and stuff so screw this in bed crap. I wanna have fun and that's what I am gunna do."  
  
Getting himself out of his bed he quietly snuck across the floor and opened his drawers and closet. Knowing Une she would have guards posted around Duo just to make sure that he didn't leave the appartment at night, she never wanted him to have any fun. So Duo was forced to do what he loved to do, sneak out. Looking for the darkest clothing he had to get himself through the dark he found the old priests outfit, it was basically all clothing that never even belonged to him anyway. He grabbed his black hat and a pair of gloves just in case he ran into problems getting to where he wanted to go. Slowly he opened the door and let himself out careful to not awaken the guard who slept just a few feet away.  
  
Once he got out of the building he ran down the block and around the corner. Fun was something he was sure that he wanted at the end of his life, he wanted to die with a grin on his face and damn if he wasn't gunna get it. After he was around the corner he started walking casually, running into a bar was not something that he wanted to get beaten up for. The streets were quiet but cars still passed by every now and then afterall it was a saturday night of course the drunks and druggies wouldn't miss this night. Duo slowed his pace even more then when he originally slowed when he felt someone's eyes on him and heard someone following him. He immediately let his eyes go to the ground, not wanting to intimidate anyone into a fight.  
  
"So now ya come ou', eh?" A familiar male voice came from the shadows.  
  
"What do ya want Will?" Duo was not impressed with Will and infact had had many run-ins with the drug dealer. Will was not a friend and to Duo he would never gain his trust.  
  
"Jus' wanna know wha' the fancy ta do is a' your 'ppartment. Lotta people 'angin' round, na?" Will started walking with Duo until he asked, "wha' ya doin' 'way from it?"  
  
"Going to have fun." A short and simple answer was all that Duo felt he owed the man.  
  
"Need a ride?" Pulling out his keys Will jingled them and smirked.  
  
"What do you want in return?" Duo was skeptical of help, espically from Will of all people.  
  
"We'll 'ave ta figure it ou', na?" The smirk he gave was less then encourageing to Duo but a ride would have been good seeing as the bar he wanted to go to was further away then a nights walk could have done for him. Taking the offer Duo got into the old and quite beaten up green sundance. He just needed some time to himself and if Will was willing to help then, no matter how much he hated the guy, he wasn't going to stop him. The car screetched out of the parking lot and they went flying down the roads.  
  
Duo was thankful for the quietness of the car ride but then was almost diappointed about it as well. He wanted to talk but didn't want to be the one to initiate it, starting a conversation with Will was starting a fuse to a bomb: unsafe beyone all belief. Keeping his eyes from the obvious drugs, alcohol and cigaretts he figured he'd be able to get rid of his urge to return to old habits.  
  
"Wanna smoke? 'is a Camel" Will interrupted the boys concentration with the window and offered a cigarette.  
  
"Uh...Sure what the hell." Grabbing the cigarette he pulled open the glove box to find a lighter. It took him some sifting through money and drugs to finally find one that had fuel in it. Lighting the cigarette he took a giant breath in and let it out slowly, that was the feelign he loved. Looking back at Will he grinned at the guy and then glanced down at the various illegal substances he was drowned in. "Business going well?"  
  
"'is been better. Los' a few dealers ta jail 'n stuff bu' other then tha' I go' plenty ta spare. S'long as ya don' try ta steal any" cracking his knuckles he brought his eyes from Duos back to the road ahead of him, "So where we goin' anyway?"  
  
"I want ta go to a few bars and then I need a ride back to the old place and...well you know what kinds of things I mean" Duo was always uncomfortable to mention old haunts of his group. Espically since in just about every place a person had died while he was supposed to help them. He was not about to bring up the death of two very important people to Will as well as himself.  
  
"Yea, righ' then any bar'll do?" He asked signaling to some cocain at Duos feet, "'Cuz I gotta few places ta bring their orders"  
  
"It doesn't matter to me"  
  
"We 'ave fun tonigh', I promise. Na more beatin' ya up over my drugs. We ge' drunk, high, an' anythin' else ya wan'" Will was being nice to Duo. Needless to say Duo gave the guy an odd look and then figured to not ask. He was grateful that Will was being nice for once yet still became skeptical of what the guy wanted.


	5. Just A Stupid Mistake 5

Summary: Duo, mentally and physically tired, faces death and realizes what he has to lose in life and what he will miss when his time comes.

Rating: PG-13, I stay on the side of caution. Mild swearing, depression, blood, stuff.

Disclaimer: In this chapter you meet a good side to Will who as I had mentioned in the last chapter is an old "friend" of Duo's. Duo was skeptical but as this chappy goes on well...You'll see now wont ya?  
  
Chapter Five- A Friend Of An Enemy

"'ey, sorry 'bou' everythin.'" Pulling into a parking lot Will stopped the car and looked at Duo expectantly. "You didn't take the pills for me did you?" He asked not moving his eyes from the window. He knew exactly where he was and what he was going to do when he was there but that didn't stop him from dreading the end of his life.

"Na, bu' I know why ya did it. Had ta do wit' Cal an' friends, righ'" Duo finally figured out what Will wanted, he wanted to talk to Duo. This was the first time that he had ever made an attempt to get to know what was in Duo's mind and for some reason he wanted to share something. "Well, that was one of the things that kinda got me started with it, but there was more"  
  
Duo opened the door and stepped into the night air, perfect weather for him to go clubbing. Will quickly followed with a large package that Duo was smart enough not to question about. Both of them walked casually into the bar and up to the counter. At first the bartender would not give Duo a drink of even acknowledge Will until Will showed him the package. When he saw what he wanted he took Duo and Will into a back room where they continued with their talking.

"Wha' else was it? Tha' made ya...." For what seemed like the first time in the mans life he was insecure, Duo felt that there would be many firsts tonight.

"I got stressed again. From everything that has been going on lately. I mean I had quit smoking, which as you can tell I've taken up again. I had quit cutting, which is a big step ya know? I just quit everything and I wanted to recover but...I can't take it when I have people mad at me." Tears formed in his eyes as he continued. "I mean everything just happened so damn fast. I've always had a problem with over medicating myself and I just lost it. I almost kept taking them and taking them and I couldn't stop. Then I remembered the others, my other friends and I just about died there. Will I don't wanna leave them behind but I don't have a choice now. All week I've been trying to forget that I did it and I've been telling myself that I will survive this and stuff but the pessimist inside me has been telling me to give up all along."

"What can I get you guys?" A waiter interrupted the conversation.

"Ge' us some Mike's. Tha' sound good?" Will asked Duo who was now so close to tears it was almost unbearable for the man to look at.

"yeah" A one word answer was all he gave as he waited for the waiter to leave hte table so he could continue and get it all out now.

"Ok I will be back with your drinks in a moment" She smiled sweetly and left the two alone.

"Go on" Will actually wanted Duo to get this out because he knew it would help the troubled boy.

"I'm just so damn scared. This...it is something I've never been close to, death. I've never had to deal with my own death like this and it...freaks me out. Yeah we all know I've gotten myself into situations where I nearly died or something like that but this is so different. At least when I slit my wrists I knew I could heal those wounds quickly but this isn't anything I can make go away. It's something I am going to have to take on and when they aren't talking to me....Why should I? I'm so close to death with no reason to live. They don't know it but they left me alone to die in a desert with no water and no food, and the worst thing is there is no reason to try and find home because frankly there is no home without that feeling. I love them and I don't want to lose them but I don't have a choice here, I don't get to choose my destiny from here."

"Maybe they 'ad given ya a choice when they tried ta ge' ya 'elp" The waiter was coming into the room and Will stopped her from interrupting again by taking the drinks and making her go, promising that if they needed anything he would call her.

"But...That wasn't much of a choice. Infact that made me NOT want to get help. I don't like when people give me all that attention and shit, never have. I just wanted to let them know so that they wouldn't be surprised if anything happened." Opening the bottle and chugging down a good amount Duo actually was looking to Will for help in setting his life straight.

"I'm no' much o' a person at ask for 'elp wit' getting' straight'. As ya can tell from my car. Bu' 'ave ya though' tha' maybe wha' is ta come is ta come?" He asked the boy across from him.

"You mean predestination?" Duo asked picking his head up from its original position on the table.

"Yea, tha' kinda crap. I mean look a' ol' me. I'm still 'live even wit' all the drugs. Jus' remember tha' tomorrow ya could no' wake up an' take advantage of all the fun in the world. Ya love tha' fun shit, so go out tomorrow an' look a' the sun as if it were ya last day on the earth. Jus' don' go over board wit' it. Life throws ya shit an' no one can stop tha' from happenin', bu' ya can make sure the shit doesn't pull ya down into a slump. As for the friend thing, they obviously care for ya if they wen' bu' maybe they've reached their limi' wit' ya. I did wit' old Lexy, 'ence why 'e ain't 'ere an' I am. Yea I still care 'bout the old bastard bu' I jus' go' fed up wit' wha' 'e was doin' to 'imself over tha' female. There is only so long a person can watch their friend kill 'imself. Let 'em go. If they love ya 'nuff they'll know when ya need 'elp and when ya can figh' on your own. 'Less ya never let them see ya strong."

"Yeah..." Silence and drinking took over the table until Will got his fourth. He looked at the next bottle, silently stood up and then pushed the bottle across the table to Duo who just looked at him confused.

"I 'ad 'nuff fo' tonigh'" Was the only comment Will would make before he sat back down and lounged on the chair. He watched Duo drink and drink and on about the twelfth bottle of Mikes he forbade Duo to drink anymore. It wasn't the money issue because him giving the place drugs meant free alcohol for him and anyone else he wanted but it was how dreary the boy had gotten.

Pulling Duo off of a chair and out the door he stopped once to allow Duo a chance to puke, the boy had drank a bit too much. Placing Duo in the back of his car he grabbed a flashlight from the glove box and went to see the puke. All Duo could hear was a loud 'holy shit' and some footsteps jogging back in the direction of the car.

"I'm gunna die, right Will?" Duo asked once Will got back into the car cursing and starting it up.

"If ya don' ge' 'elp then yea ya are" Was the only response that the druggy was going to give him.

After that Duo didn't remember a thing besides waking up in bed with a large hangover.


End file.
